


in your open arms, maybe i belong

by antoineroussel



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Bad Sex, Hand & Finger Kink, Hesitant but then Enthusiastic Consent, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Trans Male Character, in the past ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 13:13:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12727248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antoineroussel/pseuds/antoineroussel
Summary: He likes to think that he knows about sex, and he hates it.





	in your open arms, maybe i belong

**Author's Note:**

> uh...... have this
> 
> anyway, trans ppl are in the nhl in this
> 
> warnings: 
> 
> \- juuse's past boyfriends/fwb have treated him badly, and it probably would count as dubious consent as they didn't check up on him when he was clearly not having a good time
> 
> \- with pekka, juuse asks for sex and gives full consent but isn't super comfortable with it at the beginning

Juuse never really picked up, even before he and Pekka became an item. None of his teammates ever asked why, maybe assuming that it was about the logistics of being trans, which- they weren’t wrong- but there was more to it.

He likes to think that he knows about sex, and he hates it.

Hooking up within teams has always been easy to some extent, if there was someone willing. Everyone got tested together, hotel arrangements could be made, and they already knew what he looked like naked. The first time was with a guy in the Liiga who people said liked him, but who also had to be drunk to look in his direction. Juuse was overly confident about it at the time, but keeping his binder on was stressful in and of itself, and they were both pretty drunk. At first, he was upset that his first time was bad. He tried again. He waited until he didn’t have to wear a binder anymore, but he still didn’t feel much of anything but discomfort and embarrassment that he’d zoned out after a while.

Juuse made a few more attempts, even with guys in Milwaukee, just to see if he could find a way to enjoy it. He got close with a few, but he was skeptical of claims that he’d ever experienced an orgasm. Some guys told him that he had, and he just convinced himself to agree and save himself the extra shame. It was his problem that he didn’t enjoy it, so he stopped hooking up so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings when he left either unaffected or disappointed. It isn’t that they were doing something wrong; it’s just that he can’t enjoy sex for whatever reason. Juuse’s always been jealous of his teammates who can rave about it, but luckily, it seems like most of the Nashville guys have gotten over the bragging rights phase. They’re a bit more reserved about their sex lives, so he doesn’t have to feel bad too often.

When Pekka kisses him for the first time in the hallway in front of his bedroom door, he isn’t thinking about that. He’s just so happy. Juuse probably had a crush on Pekka as a teen, and coming to Nashville and living with him brought all that back up to an even larger extent. Hanging out with him at Worlds was nice, but it went by so quickly.

He doesn’t say anything about it. He makes it clear that he looked up to Pekka in juniors, but he isn’t sure it was a good idea to mention the crushing part. It wouldn’t do him any good to sound childish or to make his  _ differences  _ more obvious. Pekka doesn’t think he’s any worse off for being on the small side, talks with Juuse like he does any of his older teammates. He’s gentle and can be terribly awkward sometimes for how composed he usually seems. He likes hiking and pretending that he doesn’t eat entire pizzas on his own. Juuse is so in love with him.

Pekka also never really picked up. Juuse would watch men and women alike come up to him at the bar, and he wouldn’t turn them down, but he wouldn’t leave with them either. He always wondered if maybe Pekka had the same problem he did. Viktor said he was just too old and too cool for hookups. 

He kisses Juuse after the first shutout of the season (Pekka’s, of course) and it seems to come out of nowhere, almost like he didn’t plan to do it himself. He must’ve been tired- he’d taken quite a beating in the crease.

“I mean, you’re right, I-” Pekka had started before dipping forward, slow, and closing the distance between them. Juuse was startled, but it didn’t stop him from kissing back. He couldn’t let that kind of opportunity slip by him when Pekka was right there, warm and responsive. They made out in the hallway for a solid few minutes in their pajamas before Pekka pulled back. Juuse snuck in a few more kisses after that, but then Pekka stepped away from him politely and cleared his throat. “Anyway, have a good night,” he said gruffly, staring at Juuse’s mouth purposefully for a while longer before he shuffled back down the hall to his own room.

Falling into bed that night, Juuse felt pretty smug, but the confusion would quickly set in the next morning. After anxiously mulling it over, he asked at breakfast if he’d be sent back down, and Pekka turned around to look at him, spatula in hand, horrified.

“No- wait. Oh god, do you want to be? I shouldn’t have- I’ll leave you alone, but with your skill level-”

Juuse then became even more confused and started crying, so.

Unfortunately, what had probably been the best kiss in Juuse’s life up until that point also led to some uncertainty about his place in the house and Pekka being wracked with guilt for a week, even after their affirming adult conversation later that day. Pekka gets in his own head a lot, and while he’s usually easy to read, it’s hard to tell the difference between his ‘thinking really hard’ face and his ‘beating himself up’ face. They’re both good at communicating though (despite some evidence to the contrary,) and Juuse knows that’s the important thing.

After the initial confusion, it’s surprisingly easy to get used to kissing Pekka and lying across his lap every day. They keep their separate rooms and their schedules and ordering three pizzas when the oven isn’t behaving and everything is perfect.

It only makes sense that Juuse wouldn’t think to tell him about his experience with sex until Pekka is kissing him on the couch and making these deep growling noises and Juuse’s legs are wrapped around his waist.

“Oh,” is the sound he makes when he realizes that he should have probably mentioned this earlier. “Oh,” Juuse says more disappointedly. Pekka stops for a moment.

“Should we do something else?”

He’s embarrassed to even think about it. “Uh.” Pekka pulls back and sits him up while he tries to think of a way to phrase it. He’s never really thought to tell anyone else, so he doesn’t know  _ how  _ to talk about it. “I like kissing, but I’ve never really enjoyed sex, I guess,” Juuse tells him, the words coming out a lot less steady than he’d planned. Pekka gives him a sort of pinched look. “I know, it’s weird. It’s just never good for me. Not that you aren’t- it’s just-”

“I understand,” he says, nodding and cupping Juuse’s shoulder gently. “Don’t worry. I don’t want anything you don’t. We can just kiss.” Juuse feels  _ so  _ blessed. Even if he never told anyone specifically how he felt about sex in general, he did make it apparent that he wasn’t up for it to a few guys who just didn’t get the hint. He would slip out at some point and laugh about it later, but now that he thinks back to those moments, he remembers being scared. He appreciates not having to go through that again, and that he’s able to laugh it off now.

He nods in thanks, and Pekka lays him back down on the couch to continue where he left off, his tongue running along Juuse’s bottom lip, and overall Juuse thinks this can be categorized as a success.

For how decisive he was about telling Pekka no to sex that first time, Juuse thinks about it in the next month almost more often than not. He’s definitely thinking about it every other time he looks at Pekka, and probably every time their teammates mention him. Juuse doesn’t know when he started torturing himself like this, but he wishes he could stop. If he was embarrassed about not enjoying sex, then it becomes mortification when he starts fantasizing about it. They aren’t even sleeping in the same bed. He doesn’t even like getting fucked.

Pekka isn’t helping, being so sweet to him. Juuse can feel him getting hard in his jeans every time they’re pressed up close on the couch, and he feels terrible that he can’t give Pekka what he wants, with how much he does for Juuse all the time. He expresses this while they’re eating dinner one night. Pekka had asked him what was wrong. He can always tell when something’s wrong. There’s no point in internalizing it anyway.

At the explanation, Pekka nods. He makes it easy to share everything with him; he never waves it off, no matter how irrational it is. He always humors Juuse’s worries. “Would it help to know that I don’t really want sex?” he asks, voice even.

Juuse does a double-take. “What do you mean? You’re, uh, you get turned on all the time.”

“That happens.” He shrugs. “Not that you’re not attractive, but a wind blowing the wrong direction could do that. I could probably get hard from a solid punch in the face,” Pekka deadpans. Juuse bursts into surprised laughter, nearly choking on his Sprite, and he cracks a smile. “I am turned on, and it is because of you, but it’s not like anything bad happens when we don’t have sex. I don’t want anything you don’t,” he repeats. “My dick just might not know that.” Juuse laughs again. He doesn’t know how Pekka’s sense of humor still shocks him (it’s partially why the old man jokes are few and far between in the locker room- they know he can and will mercilessly drag them) but he appreciates it anyway. “If it bothers you-”

“Uh, no,” Juuse says quickly, a little too eager. “It doesn’t. Totally fine with me. I just… doesn’t it hurt?”

Pekka smiles at him, fond. “Not at all. It’s not even uncomfortable for the most part.” Juuse smiles back curtly and nods. He’s so angry he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s sure every fucking guy on his junior team said that, and he went along with it every time. Remembering something that humiliating is enough to remind him why he doesn’t enjoy sex, and why he probably never will. Even without guys being assholes, there’s something inherently degrading to him about it, and he knows that’s just how it is. “Are you alright?” Pekka asks, bringing him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, just thinking,” he replies, trying not to outwardly cringe.

The next time it comes up is after a win, and after a drink or two. Neither of them are even buzzed, but Juuse is warm enough to slip out of his jacket before Pekka lifts him up onto the kitchen counter to nip at his throat and jawline. Juuse splays his legs open as far as he can so Pekka can slot himself between them. Pekka is holding him to his chest so he’s barely touching the counter. Juuse is still being consistently amazed by his upper body strength. He doesn’t mean to be grinding against him so much, but when Pekka makes a low breathy noise in his ear, he remembers where he is and goes still. It doesn’t seem like Pekka has noticed the grinding part, but he hums approvingly when Juuse goes lax in his arms. 

For what might just be the first time in his life, he feels like he knows what being sexually frustrated is. Usually he doesn’t even think about it. There aren’t a lot of guys who get him hot, and that’s worked out alright for him so far. Right now, Pekka’s thumb is rubbing circles along the inseam of his jeans, and he might not mean for it to be teasing, but his hand is just fucking high enough for that to have Juuse getting damp between the thighs. That doesn’t happen to him. As in, not  _ ever _ . He’s barely ever gotten wet, much less from something so simple.

That sort of makes his mind up for him.

“Pekka,” he breathes, while said man is mouthing at the column of his throat. “Pekka, I- you can go as far as you want. I want you to.” His voice shakes a little with nerves, even more so when Pekka actually looks up at him. Juuse has no clue if he even has the ability to enjoy this. “I want to try,” he says, which, he deserves some kind of pat on the back for, because he never tries. He hasn’t even tried to give himself an orgasm, so that speaks clearly of his effort level for the last few years.

“Yeah?” Pekka delicately takes both of his hands to help him off the counter, kisses him again for just a moment, and suddenly Juuse’s heart is in his throat. Pekka leans down to talk low in his ear. “If you really want this, I promise it’ll be good for you.”

Even though his body seems to like that idea, Juuse still almost raises a brow, but he scolds himself quickly. He can’t doubt Pekka; he has to do this without dreading it the whole time if he wants to enjoy it. “I trust you,” he says, nodding. Pekka stares at him intensely for a second more, and Juuse’s legs start trembling a little. He really needs to calm the fuck down. They move to the couch, but Pekka being the responsible adult that he is decides to hang their jackets up first and get some things they might need from upstairs, and he comes back to find Juuse with a frown on his face. He’s still not as enthused as he thinks he should be. 

Pekka takes one look at him and goes to kneel on the carpet. “Hey,” he whispers, grabbing Juuse’s hands again and kissing his knuckles. “We don’t have to do anything.” Juuse opens his mouth to protest that he can make his own decisions (which is true) and that he isn’t scared (which  _ isn’t  _ true) but Pekka hushes him. “I know I don’t have to tell you this, but being a bit uncomfortable at first is fine. Not wanting to go through any of that is fine. You shouldn’t- hurt, or feel bad.” Juuse thinks distantly that maybe in the past he hasn’t relaxed enough, and that’s why getting fucked is always at least unpleasant and at worst painful for him. Whatever it is, he knows it’s his problem. “And anyway, uh, penetration isn’t the only right way to have sex. It doesn’t work for everyone.” Pekka looks pretty embarrassed to even say the word ‘penetration’ out loud, and Juuse really wants to bully him for it, but the sentiment is nice enough that he manages not to say anything too mean.

Not too mean.

He gestures, straight-faced, for Pekka to come closer, and looks him dead in the eyes. “Are you saying that we  _ don’t  _ have to penetrate the D?”

Pekka lets out an impressively long sigh and looks up to the ceiling for the mercy of death. “You are a piece of work,” he says, still audibly disappointed. Juuse nods solemnly in agreement. “Still, I mean all that. It’s important for me that I do something you’ll like. So yell at me if that isn’t happening.”

Juuse would never be able to yell at him, and he probably won’t say anything if Pekka does something he’s not crazy about, because he doubts he’ll be crazy about any of this. He nods anyway. “Alright. I want this though.” Pekka smiles and kisses him, and Juuse can absolutely do that. 

He rests his hands at Juuse’s waist, right near the hem of his sweater, and starts to slowly roll it up. “Is this okay?” The sound of his voice is muffled by Juuse’s mouth on his. Juuse isn’t the biggest fan of taking his shirt off, but Pekka’s seen him without a shirt and even less clothing enough times that it doesn’t bother him too much. He nods, and Pekka pulls it off of him to drop on the floor. Juuse is probably still shaking from nervousness, something he’d usually cover up with humor, but it doesn’t feel right to make any jokes right now and he can’t think of anything cute to say anyway. He’s kind of cold. It helps a little when Pekka moves up onto the couch beside him. He doesn’t remove his own sweater, but he does kick his jeans off and start working on Juuse’s, searching his face for any sign he’s doing something wrong.

Juuse must look like a deer in the headlights, because he pulls away like he’s been burned after the second button. “I’ll stop if you don’t want me to do this.” Juuse shakes his head and tells him to keep going, because that’s stupid to be afraid of. Pekka’s seen him naked before, sort of, and this shouldn’t be any different. “Could you lie back? So I can-” Juuse actually feels better once he’s laid down on the couch, and despite the anxiety, he does retain a lot of the excitement from earlier, especially with Pekka between his thighs. Heat is radiating off of him, and it’s actually gross how ready Juuse is for physical affection at any given time. Of course, it’s even worse coming from Pekka.

Juuse’s skinny jeans are a little harder to discard, but it gets done, Pekka meeting his eyes very purposefully before he looks down. Juuse almost doesn’t want to look down at himself, he’s so embarrassed. His boxers are a light grey, which makes it worse, because he can pinpoint the exact moment Pekka sees the dark spot at the front of them, and he feels a distinct full-body twitch from him. His ears burn, and Pekka scoots back a little so his shoulders are keeping Juuse’s legs open, and so he can kiss Juuse’s stomach, still looking up at him. “Can I?” Juuse doesn’t really know what he’s being asked, but he nods anyway. So far he’s been bashful, but nothing has felt bad, and he is slowly relaxing more. 

Pekka grips his thighs a little harder and slips one hand up the leg of his boxers. Usually, guys removed them pretty quickly, and he never had an issue with it, but this seems less exposing. Then Pekka moves his thumb to rub circles along the outer edge of his hole, just a tease with only hints of pressure. Now Juuse twitches. It’s far from where he thought it would be, but that feels good, and it feels better when he replaces the pad of his thumb with two fingers, almost playing with him. God, he loves Pekka’s hands. He sort of tries to rock his hips, but Pekka doesn’t budge, and he has no leverage. That’s fine by him. Pekka starts circling his clit, and suddenly it’s less fine by him because he’s never wanted to ride someone’s fingers before, and wow, look at that, he sure does right now. Sometimes, seemingly at random intervals, Pekka thumbs at the sensitive underside of it, and he’ll make a short high-pitched noise then whine that he can’t move closer. 

“Do you like this?” he asks Juuse at some point, completely serious. Juuse makes another noise, because Pekka is honestly rolling his clit between two fingers and asking him to answer a serious question at the same time. His head drops back onto the couch, and he groans.

Juuse glares at him as well as he can from the angle he’s at. “Yes,” he answers, and that turns into a hissing noise when two fingers hold him open while another strokes him in between. “Fuck, fuck, yes, I like it.” Pekka smiles, and it isn’t too evil, despite his actions. He looks pretty pleased with himself though, and maybe pleased with Juuse too. That idea makes him go a little red.

When Pekka does take his boxers off, he feels like he’s getting a little break to calm his ass down. He appreciates that. This is all nice, but he’s certain he’s only getting this excited because he hasn’t done anything in the last few months. He doesn’t remember any guy doing  _ that  _ to him, but still. While he’s thinking, Pekka finally pulls his own sweater over his head and hikes one of Juuse’s legs up onto his shoulder. “How is this?” he asks, and Juuse nods before realizing that Pekka isn’t looking at his face anymore. His eyes are  _ very _ low, and he leans back a little to get a better angle.

“Good,” Juuse replies, amused, and Pekka looks flustered to have been caught staring. He’s literally naked, and Pekka is the one embarrassed. Unbelievable.

He has Juuse lift up for him to put a pillow under his hips, and lets his leg slide a little, into the crease of Pekka’s elbow so he doesn’t pull a muscle when Pekka dips to press their lips together. Juuse arches a little, and he can actually feel Pekka’s dick twitch through his boxers. He makes a genuinely desperate noise, then drops onto his back and presses his lips together like they could be welded shut. Holy fuck.

He also realizes suddenly what makes this so different from all of the other times. The relationship wasn’t started through sex, Pekka checks in with him, actually  _ looks  _ at him- and although it doesn’t make any real difference, Juuse would love to brag to all of his juniors boyfriends that Pekka’s dick is huge, and that they were mere french fries in comparison, but he probably won’t ever get to. Truly tragic.

Pekka rocks his hips a bit before sinking back down to kiss below Juuse’s navel. Speaking of the other times. “Have you ever had an orgasm?” he asks, fairly blunt. That’s alright; Pekka doesn’t need to skirt around things with him. And he’s right to ask anyway. “If you want to tell me.”

“I haven’t. I want to though.” Juuse shakes his head, and well, he’s heard that a person is responsible for their own pleasure, so that probably reflects worse on him than anyone else. He looks down at Pekka for a reaction, but he doesn’t get one. At least not physically.

“That’s perfectly fine,” Pekka replies. He rubs circles on Juuse’s hip as if to placate him. “You will.” Juuse almost rolls his eyes at that, because no matter how good anything feels, it seems like he has a long way to go. He doesn’t though, because he loves Pekka, and he asked for this, and he’s  _ going to enjoy it.  _ “Tell me if I do something you don’t like.”

“Okay,” he says, then Pekka ducks between his legs and traces over where his fingers were with his tongue. Juuse jerks a little, surprised with the lack of warning, but he’s otherwise unaffected at first. Pekka holds him down needlessly and keeps up with gentle kitten licks over the folds, never once breaching. It only takes a moment for Juuse’s legs to start shaking. Pekka doesn’t give him anything more or anything less, keeping him spread open and ignoring his clit aside from a few stray swipes. Juuse is whining and becoming very tempted to kick him when he finally (abruptly) points his tongue, hooks his arm around Juuse’s thigh and thumbs at his clit like he’s keeping it out of his way. The shock at Pekka’s initial starting pace seems stupid now that he’s literally fucking his tongue into Juuse. He thought he’d have to buck to get any contact and in an instant Pekka’s face and arms are flush against him. He isn’t handling it well. “Oh god,” he says, high and breathy. He can see down Pekka’s back, how his muscles shift under his skin as he pulls Juuse closer. When he recedes, Juuse whines and scrambles to grip at his shoulder, but Pekka takes his hand and kisses it. Juuse goes red when he feels how slick Pekka’s mouth is. It should be gross, but it’s kind of fucking awesome.

“Hush. Is it okay if I open you up now?” He waves a bottle of lube around, and Juuse nods fervently. “I think you’ll like it.” He pumps some onto his fingers and ducks down to suck on Juuse’s clit while he rubs circles below, spreading a bit of the lube around his hole to get him used to it. Nobody has ever even tried to use any kind of lube with him, he realizes. This is probably unnecessary, but Pekka is nice like that. He replaces his mouth with his thumb again and moves up. His hands are still distracting Juuse, but he manages to realize that Pekka is looking to him. He obviously said something that Juuse didn’t hear.

“What?” His voice wavers.

Pekka seems to consider it, gently works a finger into him. Juuse chokes. He’s been fantasizing about getting Pekka’s hands on him for what seems like forever. “Can I touch your chest? No, never mind. Would you like it if I touched your chest?” Normally, this is where Juuse would start to cover up because he doesn’t like being reminded of how different he looks, but he’s sort of shaking, and Pekka is asking  _ so  _ nicely. His scars are sometimes sensitive, mostly in a bad way, but he was always confident that the ‘nipples staying intact’ thing would come in handy some day. He’s sure he’ll like that.

“Yeah, yeah, please,” he begs, his hand on the back of Pekka’s neck, pulling him down. The finger inside him twists, and god, it’s so good. He has no time to think about how a second one is sliding in so easily when Pekka is swirling his tongue around one nipple. “Oh, fuck. Please.” He cuts his begging off short to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment, biting his lip hard. 

Pekka pauses to coax his jaw open, then curls his fingers just in time to hear Juuse shout. He throws his head back and doesn’t try to stay quiet again. Pekka is affected, sure, but he’s clearly focused above anything else. Another finger, and Juuse is literally in tears. His knees are squeezed tight around Pekka’s shoulders. Pekka  _ tries  _ to comforts him by peppering kisses over his face, but he’s also using his palm to massage Juuse’s clit, which just makes him cry harder. “Is this too much? I can stop,” Pekka says. This time he does stop to let Juuse answer, and he’s serious, but his expression is more one of helpless awe than worry.

Juuse claws at his shoulders. “Don’t you fucking dare.” His voice cracks in the middle of the threat. “I’ll kill you.”

Pekka deserves an award for how hard he’s trying not to laugh. He ends up just smiling sympathetically and kissing the tears from Juuse’s cheeks. “Alright.” He starts back up, more focused on getting him prepared than whatever kind of torture he was just inflicting. Juuse admits to himself that he’d kind of be alright with either one. He closes his eyes and takes deep breaths until Pekka withdraws his fingers, satisfied with the job he’s done prepping Juuse.

“Do you want me to use a condom?” he asks, and Juuse opens his eyes again. The whole team had gotten tested fairly recently. There’s no reason, really, so he shakes his head. Pekka finally pushes his boxers down, allowing Juuse to nearly strain something trying to lean up and see. Pekka makes it easier, coming closer for him and folding one of Juuse’s legs into his chest so he can’t sit upright. Juuse almost has the mind to think that Pekka likes him staring, or at least wants him to see what he’s getting into, so he does just that. By this point, he’s worried about seeming plain in comparison. Pekka is so tall and gorgeous, it’s unfair. His dick is actually intimidating. Juuse is a bit nervous, if he thinks about it. He might be flexible, but his hips are narrow. There have been (extremely embarrassing) times where he wasn’t able to take it from guys who weren’t nearly as big as Pekka, and remembering that doesn’t leave him feeling very confident.

He doesn’t want either of them to deal with that this time. “Pekka, I don’t know if I can-” And well, he can’t just say ‘your dick might be too big for me’ out loud, so he settles for looking down meaningfully and hoping that would get his message across.

Pekka seems to get it. “Do you want to do something else? We don’t-”

“I know. We don’t have to. I want to though; I’m just not sure I’ll be good,” Juuse says, looking past him and up at the ceiling. Pekka nods, stroking his face.

 

“That’s alright. Just try for me, and tell me if you change your mind, okay?” He nods back mindlessly, so in love he can’t stand it. Pekka is so good to him. “Breathe,” he says, and Juuse realizes he’s been holding a breath in since he felt Pekka’s cock nudging gently at his entrance. It’s like he’s a virgin.

“Sorry.” It comes out high-pitched when Pekka starts rocking against him, slow. 

He grabs one of Juuse’s hands and kisses his forehead. “Nothing to be sorry for.” And then he uses his other hand to steady himself as he pushes in. Juuse almost sucks in a hard breath again, but he forces himself to relax. It seems too easy, too gentle, and he realizes that he could easily push Pekka away if he really wanted to. He doesn’t. The tension drains out of Juuse’s shoulders until the head of Pekka’s dick brushes a spot that makes his thighs shake, and he nearly cries again. For the first time, Pekka is shaking too. He lets out a string of _strongly_ worded Finnish curses, and Juuse could almost laugh if he weren’t just as gone. He reaches down between his legs, Pekka almost batting his hand away before he realizes that Juuse is trying to feel how much of him is left. Great. Halfway. Pekka winces at his touch and recedes to sink back in, stopping at the same point, at what must be a painfully slow pace for him. Juuse is about to tell him he doesn’t have to go slow, despite the nagging anxiety in the back of his mind, but Pekka beats him to the chase, reading him all too well. “Let me go slow so you can take it all. You’re doing so well.”

Juuse gasps when he pushes in a little further, but it doesn’t detract from his confusion. “You don’t have to. I could still-”

“Sweetheart.” And that stops him in his somewhat offended tracks, makes his cheeks go pink. Pekka even looks surprised at himself. “Uh, I think you’ll like it better this way. Later I can go faster if you want.” Juuse is too shocked to argue with him. Anyway, he looks vaguely unsure of himself, and that just won’t do. Juuse turns to mouth at Pekka’s bicep, the only part of him he can really reach, nodding agreeably and hoping that Pekka knows he can basically do no wrong here. When he leans forward on his knees to let Juuse kiss him, the angle changes, and he uses the moment to sink deeper. Gradually, of course. Juuse may have thought he was ready, but his jaw still drops when their hips meet. He whines into Pekka’s mouth.

It’s uncomfortable at first, if he’s being honest, almost achy. He still grips Pekka’s shoulders tight when he pulls away, even if it’s only to slide back home. Juuse breathes slowly to try and relax, closing his eyes for a moment, but they rush open again when Pekka makes a deep, choked off noise that almost sounds wounded. Pekka notices him staring and averts his eyes abashedly. “Sorry.” Juuse blinks at him. “I don’t usually make so much noise.”

‘So much’? He’s been almost silent aside from speaking. There’s a lot happening with that sentence, but Juuse is mainly focused on the ‘usually’ part. He wonders if _usually_ people preferred that Pekka be quiet, or if it was his own choice. Either way, Juuse pulls him down by the back of his neck and is able to concentrate enough to rock his hips, staring pointedly at his lips. “I don’t mind,” he says, and he thinks Pekka gets the picture, his mouth sort of hanging open by this point.

“Oh- okay,” he honestly, actually stutters. It’s satisfying to know Juuse can do that to him. Pekka finally starts to move, keeping to the slow pace he’d promised, while Juuse is once again reminded that Pekka is inside of him, and that he’s big and limber enough to reach spots that other guys never could. Pekka actually makes him feel small, his hands gripping him like a brand, one on his ribcage and the other wrapped around his thigh. It’s so easy to arch against him and moan loud like he can’t help it. Pekka leans over him, staring at his chest intently and eventually bending to lave his tongue over one nipple. Juuse twists his fingers into Pekka’s hair. It’s too good, almost, and while he isn’t thinking about much else besides Pekka’s dick, there’s always a sense of worry in the back of his mind.

Pekka pushes back in on one thrust at an angle that really doesn’t allow for much movement from Juuse. That’s also when he decides to start playing with Juuse’s clit, because he’s an  _ asshole.  _ Juuse wouldn’t want it any other way, even if it makes him shout and gives him leg cramps. It feels like he hasn’t stopped shaking once in the past hour.

His stomach twists suddenly, although not with nausea. Juuse keeps panting and looking down and then seeing Pekka’s hands and then going back to staring mindlessly at the ceiling, because he can’t look. It’s too much. He’s going to be so damn sore.

That’s the last thing he thinks before shuddering through an orgasm that he only recognizes by how genuinely shocking it is. He might as well have just died; if static had a feeling, this would be it. Tears well up in the corners of his eyes as it wracks through him. Juuse couldn’t speak if he wanted to. He comes hard and fast like it’s being wrung out of him.

Pekka must know, because he slows to a stop (at least it seems like he does, Juuse isn’t even close to being aware of his surroundings quite yet) and strokes his cheek. “Good?” Juuse is good, he’s more than good, but he feels Pekka sliding out of him, and thinks that he could be better. He presses his heel into the small of Pekka’s back as best as he can until he stops trying to pull away. “What is it?” 

He swallows hard. It’s difficult to summon even one word at this point, so he just keeps his knees tight around Pekka and doesn’t let him go any further. “Finish,” he says, when his face isn’t numb anymore. He strains up to kiss Pekka’s nose and between his eyebrows. “Inside me. I want it.” Pekka doesn’t argue. Seconds after the words are out of his mouth, Juuse actually doesn’t remember if he said any of it in English. He doesn’t think about it all that hard with Pekka starting back up. He’s still gentle, but now it seems more like he’s just grinding his hips into Juuse instead of thrusting; with Juuse staying quiet, it feels like he gets louder, which gets Juuse worked up again. He whimpers when Pekka shifts and starts rutting against a sensitive spot. That apparently is enough to send him over the edge, choking on a moan, and Juuse makes an embarrassing noise when he feels it. He always made guys wear condoms before, figuring that it would be messy, and he wasn’t wrong exactly- he just finds that he doesn’t mind as much as he thought he would. Pekka kisses him, humming contentedly. He must be tired. Juuse is ready to pull Pekka down on top of him when he ducks out of Juuse’s grasp.

“What?” He doesn’t answer, puts Juuse’s legs back over his shoulders and doesn’t give a second of pause before sealing his lips around his clit. Juuse gives a frantic whine, and Pekka adds a finger, coaxing his own come out and cleaning him efficiently. He pulls Pekka’s hair, riding his tongue and fingers until he comes again. It’s less earth-shattering than the first, but harder to recover from. He  _ just  _ came, less than five minutes ago. Not even his old boyfriends were that quick, and they definitely couldn’t have consecutive orgasms. He’s not even sure if he’s supposed to be able to do that.

Pekka comes up with a self-satisfied grin plastered on his face, which is frankly an absolute mess. “You’re disgusting,” Juuse tells him after catching his breath, exhausted, then promptly presses their lips together, indifferent to the stickiness. He can’t really complain anyway.

Pekka’s expression slackens to something less smug, but he’s still biting down a smile. “Did you like it?” Juuse isn’t sure if he wants to kick him or pinky-promise a blowjob in the morning if Pekka will stop asking stupid questions. 

Still, he can’t lie. “What do you think? I loved it.” Juuse rolls his eyes and noses at Pekka’s cheek. “You’re so dumb.”

“ _ You’re _ dumb,” Pekka retorts, and then awkwardly pulls his boxers up with one hand, hoisting Juuse into his lap with the other. “You’re growing a nice beard.”

Juuse makes a noncommittal noise in response, suddenly pissed about how easy Pekka made that look. If sex isn’t always so awful, then what the fuck happened during juniors? Why didn’t anybody tell him? “Why has sex always sucked so much for me?” he wonders aloud, and Pekka pulls back a little to frown at him.

“Teenage boys are awful about sex, especially with people who don’t have dicks. And then maybe people thought you wouldn’t know any better, since you’re so young.” Pekka shrugs and strokes his hair. “Is there anyone I need to beat?”

An older guy in Milwaukee, not one he slept with, told him he was surprised Juuse wasn’t a virgin. “Well, you know,” he’d said, and left it at that.

“Maybe a few,” Juuse says, and Pekka narrows his eyes. “Not really. They might deserve it, but it’s okay now.”

Pekka apparently accepts that as the flattery that it is and nods agreeably. “I’m too old for beating people up anyway.” Juuse scoffs and kisses him, gentle. “We should go to bed,” he says then, muffled.

“Are you too old to carry me?” Juuse asks, fluttering his lashes, and Pekka groans.

 

-

 

He doesn’t think not to fall into Pekka’s lap when they’re at PK’s new house with the team, eating lunch and admiring his interior decor tastes. It’s too natural for him to consider otherwise. Nobody says anything about it, and all Pekka does is pull him in by his waist. As they’re leaving, only Joey asks if he’s ‘hitting that’, and Juuse is honestly relieved on so many levels that he can say yes, he is, in fact, hitting that.

He says it loud enough that Ryan goes red and Pekka snorts.

“I’m just happy your romance didn’t distract from my tasteful curtains,” PK deadpans, and then cracks up. “I guess true love is nice too though.”

Pekka shakes his head in mock disgust. “Oh, we would  _ never. _ Our curtains are defiled consistently, so we appreciate your efforts.”

“Get out of my house, you heathens.”

They don’t have to be told twice.

 

**Author's Note:**

> come @ me on tumblr: antoineroussel.tumblr.com
> 
> i appreciate feedback, kudos, etc. and thanks for reading!


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